Dreams happen for a reason

in Grandpa, Love, Mom, October 27, 2010

I am a dreamer. A wake up crying, with a racing heartbeat kinda dreamer. I haven’t had any dreams about certain people in a while, but this week is proving to be full of them!

Monday night I had a dream about my Grandpa.  I was moving out of my house that I lived in with him and Grandma and was really upset and crying.  I didn’t want Grandma to think I was abandoning her, but it was time for me to move out and go my own way. (I’m not sure of the timeframe, cause a lot of things were now, but some things were just like they were when I moved out in 1999).

So I got in the car which was packed full of stuff and went to pull back out of our gravel driveway.  Ended up backup circling all the way around the yard and pulled right back into the spot I was at. I ran out of the car and ran up and hugged Grandpa really tight and told him I was sorry and that I would miss him.  He just hugged me and said that he knew, that he would be fine.  I then turned to Grandma who was crying too (see where I get that from) and she said I’m just gonna miss you, you are my baby girl. (insert more sobbing on my part)

I turned and looked at Grandpa and he said “Mom, it’s what she got to do” and that seemed to make something click and she was like “I know, you go have fun, and call me when you get there.”  Grandpa just smiled and pulled up his jeans a little like he always did. (cause he never wore his belt tight enough anyway, you know that kinda Grandpa). I walked back to the car and told myself to calm down and thought to myself…calm down, everything is going to be ok, you have other things to worry about. This was huge, because I rarely can calm myself down in reality so to have myself tell myself to calm down and breathe in a dream was a major thing.  Like, wow I really am living it….and dreaming it. That made me smile. Maybe Grandpa was trying to tell me to calm down and just breathe, everything will be ok cause it’s what I got to do.

I wasn’t feeling very well last night and went to lay in bed about 9ish to finish watching Biggest Loser.  I didn’t end up falling asleep until about 11.  But when I did, I was thrilled to have another dream.  This one included my mom.

We were having a cookout at our house, and there were tons of people in the backyard (remember I have a big family).  There was Grandma and aunts and uncles and cousins and babies and in-laws from all over.  I looked over in the corner and saw my mom laughing and smiling with a few of my aunts. She was eating something that we grilled up and I waved and she smiled and mouthed that the food was really good! I went to get up to head over to see her, but someone leaned over the fence and called for me. It was my neighbor wanting to congratulate me on graduating. I said thank you (?huh?) and went to turn around to go back and talk to mom.

She was getting up and walking over to come talk to me.  She never made it over, got distracted taking to another family member, but I just remember her laughing and smiling and having fun with everyone else.  I dare to almost say that she was beaming, her smile was so bright!  It felt great to see her there and so happy. She must have known I needed that right now.

This afternoon when I drive home will mark 2 years since I last talked to my mom. She passed away about 8 hours later.  I am so thankful that I got to say goodbye to her that day and tell her that I loved her. 

Last year was really tough and I got home and cried for hours.  This year feels even heavier for so many reasons.  There is so much going on right now within my family that I feel kinda lost without having her to talk to about things.  I know that she is around me now more then ever and I will continue to talk to her and listen and look for signs from her.  It will be a sad drive home, but knowing that Grandpa and her are together up there smiling and watching over me will make it a little bit easier.  I have two amazing guardian angels keeping an eye on me and that is such a comforting thing.  I’ll talk to you on the ride home Mom.